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Fictional Articles, IT Marketing | December 26, 2016

Founder of IT Marketing Firm Meets with Renowned Physicist!

IT MarketingThe Case of The Missing IT Marketing Manager

“Egads, David! How am I supposed to make any IT Marketing leads when you keep disappearing on me! You’re the only marketing manager I’ve got!” Johannes was standing in the middle of his ransacked office at the headquarters of MSP SEO Factory, a premiere marketing agency specializing in online services. “David showed up, then he’s gone, then I find him, then he’s gone just like he said. It’s like there were aliens or a time machine or… I gotta talk to Merlin,” and Johannes turned on his heels and left the office, using a smartphone app to lock the door behind him as he jogged down the stairs.

Merlin was a rotund little man with buggy eyes, a terrible combover, and a predilection for argyle, flannel, and anything with a boxy colored pattern that hurt the eyes to behold. He worked on cutting-edge electromagnetic applications in a laboratory with a ubiquity of bubbling-colored fluids that had nothing to do with his research, but which Merlin maintained to “set the mood.” He also had a massive beard that did nothing for him. It was mostly red.

Letting himself into the lab, Johannes said, “Merlin, I lost my IT marketing manager and I’m losing MSP leads. I thought it was kidnapping at first, but when he disappeared from my office, there was nobody there to steal him. He was messing around with an old office decoration you gave me— you remember that hour glass— and then he was gone. I need your physics acumen.”

“I know exactly what happened,” Merlin replied, hardly looking away from the computer he was furiously typing at.
“Just like that?”

“I am a genius,” Merlin replied.

“What are you working on?”

“A video game. Shut up, let me finish this level,” Merlin replied. Johannes obeyed.

Merlin: A True Ladies Man

Ten minutes later, Merlin said, “So we’re in an alternate timeline.”
“What?”

“Somebody changed the past and this insane 2016 neo-noir world is the result.”
“Ha!” Johannes barked.

“Laugh all you like, but I’ve got proof,” Merlin replied.
“I’m all ears.”

“No, you’re mostly water with some matter thrown in to bind it together. You’re like two percent ears, tops. Look at this polaroid.”
“What’s a polaroid?”

“A picture from a camera that printed them immediately upon image capture in the alternate timeline. Here,” and Merlin handed him a photograph depicting him in a white lab coat covered in… covered in women. Exceptionally good looking women and they were playing with his combover, laughing and scantily clad.

Johannes’ jaw dropped.

“See what I mean?” Merlin replied.

“Yeah. No way girls would even come near you!”

“What! No, I mean the lab coat! I never wear smocks, I only wear flannel!”

Johannes’s eyebrow jerked. “…sure.”

The Time Machine

“Anyway, your office— it got ransacked, yes?”
“Yeah…”

“They weren’t looking for any of your marketing strategies, or that which gives your clients

• Increased SEO Ranking
• Developed Visibility
• Better Utilization of the Market
• Affordable, ROI-Rich Solutions

…or any of that. They were looking for the time-machine I put in that hour glass. If they could travel in time, they could steal all your MSP leads, but now they’ve ripped a hole in the time-space continuum.”

“You’re blowing my mind right now.”

“That’s why they call me Merlin.”


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